Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).. What is it? video
What is a narcissist?
A narcissist is someone who acts selfish or vain. What many people don't know is that narcissism, or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), is actually a serious condition .
If you are diagnosed with NPD, others may see you as only caring about your wants and needs or as having a never-ending need for compliments . But inside, you may feel insecure, less than empty. Having NPD makes it difficult to relate to others or have true self-esteem. It can affect relationships with your family, friends, and coworkers .
Am I a narcissist?
Everyone writes so deeply about narcissists, and they struggle to explain their behavior, but no one ever talks about their facilitators; those who facilitate abusers, those behind them who unknowingly support it and allow it to continue.
These are your other half, so to speak, and they are just as responsible as the narcissist, at least for their negligence. They do not voluntarily choose to be abused by them, yet they support you and do nothing about it to protect others or themselves.
And no other type of facilitator is more facilitator and integral to abuse, and therefore can do more to stop it by opposing it, than victims of narcissists. This is because narcissists are so demanding, high maintenance, and ruthless in meeting their needs right now. They depend on both their facilitators and their support to function. Or perhaps more accurately, the type that abusers abuse and bear the brunt of the abuse.
I am willing that more people fall into this category than the previous one, and if we were to focus appropriately and deal with this issue assertively, there would be far fewer people who would endure and allow narcissistic behavior, perpetuating it and allowing it to continue.
Abuse hurts abusers and enablers, but so does enabling. I'm willing to bet that it does more harm than abuse simply because it allows and encourages the abuse to continue, thereby creating more abuse in the world. It is a source of encouragement.
If you meet or become willingly involved with a narcissist in any way, you must be a facilitator. Let's find out if you are.
1. You are expected to over-comfort and sacrifice for them, but you get nothing in return and are never appreciated for it.
You put the needs of others before your own, at your expense. You also hurt people who really need you by putting the narcissist's needs before their own.
Another way of saying this is that you don't do anything for yourself because you are always accommodating someone else. You are too busy meeting the needs of others (read it, demands) to meet your own or even take care of someone who depends solely on you, such as children.
It also means that you worry about the affairs of others, neglecting your own, or even ignoring your own prejudices in the service of others. You feel powerless in your ability to admit and then identify your true problems, such as abuse, let alone solve them yourself.
Narcissists resist persistently, eternally, and ruthlessly. They will do anything to make sure that you can't stop what they are doing and they don't have to change. All this is just running away, it's a race, and they have to be in front of you at all times. That's all they care about.
They are on the run, running far and wide to another place in every way they can because they can't handle it. We don't know what they feel, what do we know? But I do know that it is not our job to stay and feel the pain, and spread it, magnifying and getting worse through its empowerment.
Another sign is that you are accommodating yourself too much and giving in to their demands, no matter how much it costs you personally or is at your expense.
You will tell yourself that you are a good person doing what they ask of you, when they ask you and you continue to support them, and you will convince yourself of it.
When they become abusive, you will tell yourself that they mean well but don't know how to express themselves carefully. In other words, you will put the abuse in endearing terms, because that is what you need to believe to excuse having to do something about it.
The truth, and you already know it, so you can guess what I'm about to tell you, is that you are actually helping them by supporting their fantasy and rushing yourself in a messy way and spreading yourself.
You are his accomplice and accomplice in the abuse. Don't get me wrong, you don't feel that way. They make you believe that you are a champion for putting up with them and doing the right thing, doing what you have to do to help and protect everyone by sacrificing yourself and putting their needs before yours.
What you actually do is support a dysfunctional cycle and regressive pattern of behavior that is dependent on the state of mind they are in.
They make you a fool because you don't realize that their issues and problems are just ruses to put you in a position of pain and agony so that you work hard to correct it while they sit on their throne, wait and complain when you do a bad job. .
They convince you that they are good for you and that is why you stay. But they don't really do any good, and they actively seek harm and continue to do so, like a parasite, until you die and they have to find someone else. That sounds very dramatic, but it's true; They are preparing for life by having someone else carry their problems.
Since we can't help but be judged and everyone seems to have an opinion about you that they should share with someone else these days, it is inevitable that you will come across what someone else thinks of you and doesn't like.
The facilitator is paralyzed by fear of being judged by others and seeks to correct their mistake and apologize to the person, even if they are the one who is right, which is likely as facilitators do very little in the way of deliberately harming others. other people, just negligence and convenient denial.
You will be too focused and preoccupied with the needs of others, especially when they are artificial and designed to divert your attention from something and channel it towards them; manipulation and dependence, learned impotence.
How do you know if that is what they are doing for sure? It is always the same and it never changes, because they never change.
They never improve themselves and therefore never improve their problems. They are always stuck in the same place, at the same time, and with the same mindset. You never find functional ways to handle them because they are not functional, they are dysfunctional.
2. Codependency - Both support and complement each other's dysfunctional behavior through their own dysfunctional behavior
From being unable to do something on your own to needing their permission to do something, and their approval that you did it 'right' (which you never will), dependency goes all the way from having to be in constant communication with others until having to assume control and make decisions for others. It goes both ways.
Now that last part may seem strange, isn't one person dependent and the other independent? One is, in fact, more independent than the other, and that's you. You are not the one creating the illusion and you are not the one trying to control everything.
What is control? What is control and power over someone else's life? Running and controlling your life is an illusion, and the purpose of that illusion is to deny their dependence on you. They are with you because you need them, not the other way around. But all of that is a ruse to hide its own dependency and project its problems onto you.
Now it seems strange that they don't look or act like they're forcing you into a situation, doesn't it? Technically they are not forcing you, right? Technically yes, but for a practical matter no.
If you knew what they are doing and experienced it for what it really is, what they are thinking and how they view it, you would also regard it as a force. Keep in mind that they always know this too. They know what is good and right or they would not be so good at being bad. They just don't care, or worse, they like to be mean, malevolent, and hurt others.
They don't "CONTROL !!!" That is to say, they "control ..." directing, guiding and directing your behavior, and above all obstructing you are your favorite things to do, because it weakens you. But above all, they will measure their actions to produce a specific decision, an anticipated and planned response that they want from you.
Dependence also comes with denial, rationalizations, and excuses for how dependent you really are. You will naturally come up with these to tell yourself that you are in a good place.
3. Negative Relationships - You relate to others out of hatred and conflict and as a result you feel bad and you don't know why
This is difficult to detect without the participation of others.
When you find yourself drawing big lines between yourself and other people you like for lesser reasons, you become polarized from other people, and you become a less attractive person.
Losing contact with family and friends is a high goal of the narcissist, it requires that they become the only source of entry, your bridge to reality, or their reality, which is not very similar to reality at all.
With narcissists, everything is already solved for you: it's bad. Thinking in black and white, negative prejudices, negative relationships with others and the outside world, that you will also feel increasingly isolated, distanced and detached.
You are afraid of success and of receiving what you deserve. Personal or financial success is your empowerment means that they lose control of you, and therefore this means that they reward you for being idle and doing nothing at all, it is what makes them feel more secure, protected and in control of you . They can't control themselves, so they make up for it and compensate by controlling you.
How common is narcissistic personality disorder?
Specialists estimate that up to 5 percent of people have NPD. Narcissism is one of the 10 personality disorders. These disorders cause people to think, feel, and behave in ways that harm themselves or others. Signs of personality disorders usually appear in the late teens and early adulthood.
Narcissistic traits or characteristics
Healthcare providers diagnose kidney disease when at least five of the following are present:
- They are omnipresent (they invade, penetrate and mold every aspect, nook and cranny of the personality)
- That grandiose fantasies are abundantly discernible
- That grandiose (often ridiculous) behaviors are present
- That there is a compelling need for admiration and adulation ("narcissistic supply")
- That the person lacks empathy (considers other people as two-dimensional cartoon figures and abstractions, unable to "put themselves in their shoes")
- That all these phenomena began, at the latest, in early adolescence
- That narcissistic behaviors permeate all of the narcissist's social and emotional interactions.
How to protect yourself and avoid narcissists?
Some people ask us how to avoid falling into the narcissists' trap again in the future, either as a couple or in a friendship relationship. Also and something interesting is that there are those who wonder how to prevent their children from being narcissists. Here we leave you information and some tips.Well we already talked about narcissism and narcissists before and we have written various ways to recognize a narcissist. Also in the case of those covert narcissists that we usually do not detect the first time despite having had unpleasant experiences with these types of people.
We can only easily identify those people who have a very marked narcissism. Otherwise, it is likely that we will not be able to realize it until it is late and we have already established some kind of relationship or commitment with the narcissist.
How to protect yourself from a narcissist?
Previously we said that narcissists are often attracted to generate a relationship with those people with great capacities, a lot of power or who can give them some benefit in front of society but also have low self-esteem or go through a difficult time in their life. This is a classic profile that is tempting for any type of narcissist, as your self-esteem decreases more, his ego will increase and he will tend to divert your attention to his person.
The best ways to protect yourself from a narcissist:
- Keep our self-esteem high and fresh. Do not let anyone pass over us for a moment.
- Do physical exercise and keep our body healthy, in shape. Earlier we also named the importance of exercise for our self-esteem and our mind. Well, when we are weak, tired, we are not able to process those details that help us to identify bad company.
- Take new people, those new relationships with great care, do not believe everything they say until you check it or get to know them better. Don't be too confident
- Continually evaluate their attitudes, gestures and stories. If at any time they are too fanciful and self-centered, we should try to cut off the communication .
- If at any time we feel despised, compared, insulted or the typical alert alarms go off, we must cut off communication after clarifying that we feel offended .
- Beware of disguised "tips". Many times they will try to damage our self-esteem by making us believe that they are "helping" us in some way by revealing aspects of our personality that we do not detect. Although in reality they are a mere reflection of their own disorder. We must know how to handle the situation clarifying that we do not need any help in this regard and cut off communication . In the case that you need it, there are expert and professional people, not everyone can judge our personality.
- We must keep "taunts" and "jokes in bad taste" at bay. We can interact many times in this way with people with whom we usually have that kind of trust, but not above the dignity of the other person in order to rise above them. Don't let anyone superimpose their dignity over yours by "teasing or joking."
- If you feel hurt, hurt, insulted, never respond in the same way. Belittling narcissists and comparing them to you will only make things worse, responding with insults many times will lead us to feel even more persecuted by these types of personalities. A good method is to ignore and cut off communication to avoid the reward that the narcissist receives from knowing that his methods of manipulating our emotions work and can play on our mood and self-esteem .
- Avoid unloading your feelings and deep emotions with these types of people, because they will use you. You don't need to tell everyone about your sorrows, only those people in whom you have confidence and you know that they will support you to overcome those stages.
How to spot the undercover narcissist
We have talked about narcissists before, but the covert narcissist differs in that at first it is difficult to identify him because he shows great empathy for others!
Previously we gave you the guidelines to identify a narcissist. But there are a variety of these that we often call a covert narcissist . That it is basically difficult to detect at first because unlike the traditional narcissist they tend to be more empathetic in order to obtain favors in exchange for their friendship or relationship .
One of the most classic characteristics of this type of people with this disorder is that they are surrounded by many people who faithfully believe in their friendship since they care about them, show them support and are very accommodating, but always with the same purpose. Get something in return! And if they don't get it, they can become distant, aggressive, or look for a way to "force" us to give them what they want through different manipulation techniques!
How to recognize a covert narcissist?
The undercover narcissist is a master of deception, lying, and manipulation. You will not be able to recognize it easily early because usually they tend to be very accommodating and empathetic, showing us emotions and making us promises. They tend to be able to ask for forgiveness, and admit that they are wrong, but they will never reveal their true intentions. And they are capable of behaving like a normal person if that allows them to get something from you in the future for their own benefit.
Even if they act in this way, you will probably be able to recognize that they want other people to admire and acknowledge all those favors and commitments that they put aside to "serve, support, help them, among other feats."
Usually a covert narcissist can be discovered because when they talk about themselves it is as if the whole world owes them something and they did not respond appropriately. That is to say, they gave "all of themselves" to everyone, but the others never return their attention, it is as if at first they were the honest victims and the others were selfish stakeholders.
What in reality may at first seem to us that he is actually a victim and you can even manage to feel identified with some of his ills, you will soon realize that in reality the covert narcissist had other intentions that he has not yet revealed . Since they have probably tried to manipulate other people and by not working for them, they find some way to punish them, they always find a way to make them feel that if they ignore or do not respond as they want they will suffer "losing or missing something." And that is why normally people walk away from them every now and then, because they become really overbearing.
Covert narcissist in partner
In the case of the couple relationship, unlike the traditional narcissist, the undercover person can spend his due time pleasing us, worrying about the relationship, giving us gifts and even being very kind to our family, friends and personal problems. But in reality they are studying our way of being and our environment, to take advantage of us and those around us as much as possible . At first, disguised narcissists are socially accepted, they behave like an ideal person and worth knowing to the point that you can come to believe that they are "perfect".
In a Relationship, the covert narcissist is extremely jealous and distrustful so they will try to control their partner all the time . Also, as is classic, the disguised narcissist will never blame himself at all, he will always seek to delegate at least half of the blame to others or his partner. He will never fully accept a mistake unless he is in a phase where he can get something out of us and yet his expression and feelings are never sincere and entirely honest.
When you are faced with a disguised narcissist, you tend to have a presentiment , something in you tells you that it hides a different attitude, which cannot be how it really shows. It turns on all the alarms, but at the same time it unbalances you.
Characteristics of a covert narcissist
Knowing its main characteristics, it may be more difficult for you to recognize it among other people:
False humility and empathy :
As I expressed previously, they play at being the victim with one and the other. For example, with you they pretend to vent their frustrations about how "evil" others are and with other people they will say the same about you. In all these stories they are humble, honest, empathetic and the others are crap.
They do theater - undercover histrionic narcissist :
Many times you will notice emotions that seem false. Not only in terms of empathy, but they suddenly appreciate someone in particular too much and the next day it turns out that they were "a bad person" or have "some serious flaw." Well, these theaters are ways of manipulating the pieces on a chessboard. They tend to pretend scenes with other people, tell about situations that are true but with some small "modifications" that become big lies told by "saints." It is difficult for the covert narcissist to show their true conflicting emotions face-to-face, which is why they often play the role of "our guardian angel" by discrediting others to "protect us from them."
They listen but ignore :
Unlike the traditional narcissist, the covert narcissist may listen to your problems, your achievements, and whatever it is you say. But in reality he ignores it, when it is his turn to speak (and it is always sooner rather than later) he talks about himself again, focusing attention on his story, on his condition (that something else always happened to him / her serious and is more "poor" than you).
They are immature in the face of accusations :
The disguised narcissist is in addition to being a liar, immature. You can give responses like "revenge" really very childish. Like for example suddenly loving who you hate the most in the world. In many of their manipulation attempts they usually resort to these tools. Or for example avoid sharing something with you and yes with everyone else, making sure you find out; or speaking ill of yourself behind your back so that others no longer trust you.
They simplify and minimize when it comes to the others :
Are you sick? .. Well, he / she is and was more, so shut up and admire him! Also, in addition to minimizing things, they usually propose that you "be like them", they instantly set themselves as a good example in every conversation.
They take advantage of your good and bad situations :
Covert narcissists are genuinely adept at taking advantage of others at times when no one would think of it. For example on your birthday or at your mother's funeral. In both they will want to plan for you .. They will try in moments where your self-esteem is on the ground to take advantage of it to get something from you or control the situation through their advice (which will punish you if you do not accept and comply to the letter).
They want to dominate your social circle :
Another skill for the covert narcissist's resume is to try to get away from those friends and family from whom they can't get anything, or who don't like their way of being or simply because they suspect that something bothers them about their presence and they are more difficult to master. Through lies and false advice through flattery, they will advise you to stay away from people you love or who love you .. Just so that you are even easier to manipulate and get your full attention.
Zero contact to a narcissist
Sometimes we make classic zero contact mistakes and other times we are simply not used to it or suffer from very low self-esteem which makes us vulnerable to the strategies of the perverse narcissist. In this post we are going to see how to overcome those mistakes and try again, as well as we will give you some tips to avoid making them again.
Do you think you are immune to zero contact mistakes? Every narcissist has a winning strategy to challenge your barrier!
If, as you well know, narcissists want to be the first and only in everything! Sometimes zero contact will become quite a challenge for us because they will use their weapons and gadgets to make you "fall" at their feet again.
Although it is not quite like that for you, they are satisfied to know that you suffer from wanting to avoid them and not being able to or worse, wanting to stop thinking about them and fail.
Why is it so difficult to apply zero contact to a narcissist?
One of the strongest and most painful obstacles when wanting to apply zero contact to a narcissist is that they will always seek to generate emotions in us. Whether good or bad, they will be effective for you to think, idealize and suffer indecision.
Zero contact beyond its effective application and adequate therapeutic or family support can greatly damage our self-esteem. And as you can read around, it will initially cause us more pain than our former narcissist.
- One of the most used strategies is to make us feel guilty . Mysteriously, our ex-narcissist gets sick, suffers, or goes through a difficult time just when you decide to ignore him / her. So, you automatically become the monster.
- They may also begin to tell people close to you that "there are people who leave them at the worst time." Or "to those who have given everything, who would give their lives for that person, but this person ignores them." Or they usually share these typical little phrases on social networks where even your family gives them "I like".
- Another typical is to appear with a new partner , which is worth the irony "is perfect", but meanwhile continue looking for you in some way or try at all costs you find out.
- Going home visits, looking for your family, or chasing your friends . Go if it seems that she does not know anything!. Many times the family will accept, let him in and invite him for tea with cakes. Of course, they do not want to look bad, or feel guilty. And you lock yourself in your room swallowing hard and feeling that the devil is pulling you by the feet as you peek through the latch.
- They establish even closer and more meaningful relationships with those around you . Well, if you have a best friend or you meet new people mysteriously he / she met them in the market, in the gym, in some fucking place. What a coincidence right?
- And although they are probably familiar to you, in addition to these strategies there are many more and more dense to cope with. But the reality is that there is the same remedy to avoid them all. But first let's review the classic zero contact mistakes that many people make!
Zero contact errors
Next we are going to list the most common errors of zero contact and why they occur:
- "Being friends again" : The number one mistake is "believing" that they can be friends. The narcissist sometimes approaches and after a huge plea gets the "we'll try again" or "we'll be friends because we care about each other." If you make this mistake, prepare yourself to suffer the consequences, because you already know that a narcissist keeps his attention on himself and that you pay enough to feel comfortable. You will go back into a vicious cycle even worse than before, because now you are friends and that means a new partner can rub you in your face.
- «A farewell talk» : Nooo don't ever accept that !! It is never really a goodbye, they will always try to get something. What are you going to gain by trying to say goodbye to a narcissist? Tell you that her mother is very sick even though the poor thing only has a cold so that you feel guilty about leaving her at that moment? Or even worse that she tells you a million lies about her "new self" that you are going to miss! One of the worst mistakes of zero contact is making "one" contact.
- "Clear things up" : This mistake can't happen to you. Do you know why? Because one of the steps is to clarify in short words that you do not want to have contact with him / her again. So what else do you want to clarify? It's over!. You don't need any more "whys" or clarifications of any kind. She doesn't need you to say "Go get a new partner." Nor that you give him permission for anything, because that is what he will try, the classic "If you don't love me say it now, because there is another person and I don't know what to do . " They put the "ultimatum" on you, when you had already put it before ..
- «They need something from you» : Good good, but what could they need from you so urgently? A bowl they forgot, a rug with their name they forgot in the room, or their trophy for best swimmers. Nothing, there is nothing in the world that deserves that you speak to him again or rather to "listen". If he wants something, give it to him and close the door without letting the wind in.
- "It's inevitable" : Did your mother forget that you had left him and made him come in for tea with cakes? When you just come out of the bathroom in stockings and with a newspaper under your arm . And well, this is where your self-esteem plays an important role , and no .. You can't wipe your butt with it, you have to raise your head and say, " Can you walk away nicely and without asking questions or scandals? While you open the door for him. You drink the two teas and you eat the cakes by yourself!
Go ahead with zero contact
It is important that you strengthen your self-esteem to avoid making the main mistakes of zero contact . A single mistake of these can cost you the whole process and perhaps the narcissist will be able to fool you for a couple more years and perhaps the next time it will be ten times more difficult to leave him.
- Read and reread the list of those negative aspects that your ex used to cause you (previous post) . As well as read daily the positive aspects in which you will improve and feel better without your narcissistic partner.
- Keep your self-esteem strong , remember that you can go to the gym, go for a run, apply books or self-help groups, go shopping and meet new people, sign up for a course or activity where you can meet new people and "relax." Although we are now in quarantine you can also join virtual communities and find new people to chat and establish friendship.
- Increase your self-esteem even more , we know that it is difficult, that sometimes you may feel defeated because you have lost the habit of worrying about yourself or because even if you did, you always received complaints, reproaches or they ignored you. But try to accommodate a "mirror" in your bedroom, change your look, cut and enhance your hair. Reinforce your positivism, put aside pessimism, and forget about your narcissist ex.
- One of the classic zero-contact mistakes is to stop worrying about ourselves and pay all our attention to avoiding our ex-partner. And it should not only be like that, as you avoid contact you must strengthen your self-esteem and establish new relationships!
- The loneliness of the victim: we also know that there are couples of several years, and as a victim of the narcissist you have suffered a lot but move on. Learn to live with yourself alone, make friends and try not to decline, visit old relatives, or try to recover those people with whom you lost contact because your ex-partner did not like them.
In short, try to avoid relapses but do not lose sight that the focus of your attention now must be yourself and not your ex. Otherwise you will never pass this stage and you will live stagnant / or in zero contact.
How to Break Free from Narcissist Abuse in 3 Easy Steps
Establishing your own life is the only way to live a fulfilling life, and narcissists by their very nature cannot allow you to live your own life. They need you to live in their world, absorbing their problems and bad feelings. You serve them, you live for them and you do the things they want with their rules and conditions.
The problem is that if you have been involved with a narcissist, you will face different obstacles than victims of other types of abuse. Emotional abuse is completely different from physical. The damage it inflicts is different and therefore the treatment of the scars from that trauma will be different.
How is it different? Well, you are more programmed and conditioned to certain habitual behavior and activities by the narcissist when you are emotionally abused. So it is not just your reaction to the abuse that is going to change your behavior, but the entire distorted way of thinking that they have programmed into you.
So the first step is to remove their only influence on you and get other influences from healthier people.
Obtaining new contributions from a healthy environment
This is absolutely essential. All the advanced tricks and methods of a narcissist, no matter what they are, fall by the wayside if you get input from other people. They are based solely on isolating you and being your only influence.
You need to find and connect with people who have interests similar to yours, and with those you don't. Information from all directions and all sides, as long as it is positive and supportive, is welcome and constructive in these situations.
Reconnecting with the people you lost contact with because of the narcissist is another option. That is, people that the narcissist did not like, felt threatened, and did not approve of and did not allow you to be around them for your own good, making you feel bad for choosing to associate with them.
This has some interesting facets. On the one hand, you will have lost contact with the people you liked and cared about because of the narcissist.
On the other hand, you may have lost contact with people you thought you liked because the narcissist forcibly associated you with them... you were supposed to like them, so you did. On the other hand, you will learn that some (if not most) of the people you never liked in the first place.
Getting in touch with them again makes you learn something: not only did you not like them, but they were just vessels to encourage the narcissist's abuse. So not knowing them any more turns out to be a blessing in disguise, but at least now you know what your feelings are.
And finally, the people you currently know who through recovery learn that you don't like them and that they are not good for you. You overcome them through your recovery.
Setting your own hours, regardless of others
This is important for two reasons. First, it's natural for us to develop our own schedules based on our personality traits, lifestyle choices, and personal preferences (and job duties). Making your own choices is essential to being a responsible adult who makes healthy choices for yourself.
Making good decisions for yourself is a prerequisite for making good decisions for others, such as supporting family or being a good friend.
Second, and perhaps more important, is that narcissists make it their life's work to turn their daily schedule around theirs, both in personal and professional life. Any way they can control what you do anytime they want is a win for them.
This means that you will be inclined to sacrifice your own needs to meet those of others, rather than structuring your life around meeting your own needs.
I'm not suggesting that you should be selfish first of all, but rather that the next important step for you is to identify what you need to do for yourself to be happy and productive. Ask yourself what makes you happy, not what makes you feel comfortable making someone else happy.
That means doing things based on your life and your personal choices, not theirs, having your own schedule with your own events.
Now, a schedule is not a script. That doesn't mean you have to schedule all your time in blocks of hours, but whenever you're doing something, you should know why you're doing it, not to avoid abuse or to feel better from the trauma if it's an escape or indulgence. .
Always know what you are doing and why you are doing it.
Working through it by yourself and with others
The latter sounds like a cop outside, but he is not. You need to understand your abuse, even if it is painful, and not run from it. Preferably, you would also do it with a professional.
Why is this step the last? Because it is not a step; It is an ongoing process that you must instill through habit. Recovering is work in productive sessions, not an obsession with the results of your abuse without acknowledging the abuse itself.
By acknowledging it, you can isolate the problems it creates in your life. By tracing them to the source, you can separate the abuse and resolve it rather than being a victim of it by indulging in dysfunctional behavior.
I'm making a big fuss out of this seemingly minor point, because most abused people just dismiss themselves and "move on" or "get over it." They do so at their own risk and at their expense.
Not only do you "pass" the emotional abuse, you acknowledge it and get over it or absorb it and make it bleed into every other aspect of your life. It changes you for the worse when you don't face it, sometimes forever.
Would you rather face it now and all the pain it causes you, or avoid it and pay that debt throughout your life with interest?
Recognizing the full range and extent of the damage it does to you and its effect on your life is the only way to recover, from now on in the long run. If you don't, you not only victimize yourself through dysfunctional behavior, but those closest to you as well.
I'm also going to emphasize seeing a professional, as well as exposing yourself to people who are healthy and supportive in your personal life. Both are invaluable tools, it is not just one or the other. When used together they are even better and serve to complement and complement each other.
For example, concentrating the anger of the abuse by ranting without addressing the root cause would be indulging in the abuse and turning the wheels because the anger of the abuse and no one is protecting you.
It begins a downward cycle where you continue and feed off of ranting and channeling feelings toward the wrong things, rather than an upward cycle where you can acknowledge the abuse and accept it.
What happens when you don't deal with it is that minor things start to wear down your nerves and annoy you, but you don't really recognize that you are irritated all the time because you are angry about the abuse, apart from everything else.
This has to do with you, not with them. There are many things narcissists can and should be blamed for, but your reaction is not one of them. You choose how to respond and react to their behavior.
Working at it means taking responsibility for training them, as well as not letting their bad behavior make you feel like a good person. You were tricked and manipulated into supporting them to stay, now you can stop.
I know I've brought this up to you in a series of actionable steps, but overcoming emotional abuse from a narcissist is a process and a way of thinking as well. It has phases that you must go through; it is much more than a few steps.
But the steps are a way of showing you what actions you can take to help facilitate the healing process.
Depending on the duration and severity of the abuse, it can be a life-long process, but it is never futile. There is no case that I know of that does not require, and cannot be helped by, these steps.
And if my personal experience has anything to say about it, it's that you can always bounce back. Everything is possible when you have the will to improve. But it is a choice, and something you have to work on.
You will identify the source of your problems and overcome them, but you will also succumb to them without realizing it, and this is where conscious effort and feedback become so important. The biggest step is to recognize it as a necessary process and know that it is.
Are you in a relationship with a narcissist?
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you are living hell on earth. A narcissist is someone who constantly puts you down at the first turn. A narcissist makes you feel like a peasant while he is the king not only of his domain but also of yours. You spend every waking moment attending to their every wish, while all your wishes never come true. A narcissist doesn't care about your wishes, hopes, dreams, feelings, judgments, or needs. A narcissist only cares about his own, and therefore you or you will regret it.
You can try to keep the peace, but with a narcissist, peace is impossible. They create standards that you can never reach, so you will fail again and again and it is up to them to dish out your punishment. And they will. As you are alone with your thoughts and feelings and are unable to verbalize or display them, you will feel like a robot, and a very lonely robot to boot. How did someone so promising and charming hide the fact that he is a narcissist? How did you not see it coming?
A narcissist is always different at the beginning of a relationship, very different. They present themselves as charming princes, sweep you off your feet and place you on this pedestal and treat you in a way that you thought only happened in fairy tales. Once you've fallen under their spell, a narcissist lets their facade crumble. Although not for the outside world. Only in your personal life. They keep their image for the whole world to see, but they allow you to see what's behind the mask, and it's what nightmares are made of.
A relationship with a narcissist is a one-way street. The street leads to them, and away from you. When you are in a relationship with a narcissist you must constantly attend to him and build and maintain his inflated ego and sense of self. At the expense of your own self esteem, dignity and ego. Compassion will rarely be given to you by a narcissist, but they expect and demand of you.
The term "double standards" is perfect for describing a relationship with a narcissist. It's about them, and it has nothing to do with you. They get the compliments, you get the complaints and reprimands. They have the floor in everything, you are afraid to say something and it is better to keep your mouth shut. If they are not happy, they will not allow you to be happy either. A narcissist doesn't care about your happiness, he only cares about his own.
Since narcissists are so in love with themselves, they may not be able to truly love you because they can never put you first. Sure, if you try to end things with a narcissist, they might go out of line to get you back. But is it really because they love you and will they change? No, it's because of their own ego, they don't want to be abandoned. THEY can leave you, but you cannot leave THEM. So how do you know if you are involved with a narcissist as a friend, lover, or family bond?
A narcissist has an overly inflated ego and thinks that he is above others and despises all others who he considers to be not up to him. Because they are special, the rules do not apply to them. To everyone else, yes, but to them, no. A narcissist has delusions of grandeur. They are not ordinary, so why should they have an ordinary wife, ordinary children, and an ordinary job or an ordinary house? That may be enough for "other people" but not for them. They have a sense of entitlement like no one you've ever met before or after. They think that other people are jealous of them or that they go after them.
Narcissists believe that you should be able to accept their criticism, and they will do so constantly. However, you can't fault them for ANYTHING. They will also misrepresent your words and take things you say critically when you are not serious. They will throw tantrums when they are unhappy about anything.
Narcissists will keep you guessing. One day they act like everything is wonderful and adore you, the next day they are cold as ice and treat you like a stranger or an enemy. A narcissist cannot sympathize or empathize with anyone other than themselves. Other people's feelings, unless it's to get something from them, are irrelevant.
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