5 Signs of an Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Style video


There are relationships in which anxiety is the predominant note, basically because there is a line of distrust of one towards the other. Sometimes this is due to the anxious attachment that some people develop; others are the fruit of an elusive or indolent partner.

Anxious attachment is a type of bond in which restlessness, possessiveness and insecurity predominate in the relationship with the loved one. In principle, it is due to unresolved problems in who establishes this type of nexus. However, there are times when that anxious behavior is also unleashed or fueled by the other member of the couple.

It is said that the paranoid are also persecuted and that is more or less what happens in some cases of anxious attachment . Although there is a basic insecurity, the truth is that the person who feels it is not the same person who nurtures or triggers it. In other words, the couple can influence a more or less healthy attachment to become anxious.

It is not easy to distinguish a case of anxious attachment from one in which the partner is evasive and triggers that anxiety . For this reason, many people in situations like this cannot answer the question: is it my insecurity that leads me to that anxiety with my partner or is it my partner who has a behavior that would cause anyone anxiety?

" Anxiety cannot be avoided, but it can be reduced. The question in managing anxiety consists in reducing it to normal levels and then using that normal anxiety as a stimulus to increase one's perception, vigilance and the will to live ".

-Rollo May-

Anxious attachment

Anxious attachment, also called "ambivalent attachment", is a form of bond in which there is a great desire for intimacy with the partner, but at the same time there is a deep fear of losing that person . This feeling leads to an apprehensive interpretation of any manifestation, however minimal, of distancing or rejection.

In fact, many behaviors that neither involve distancing nor mean rejection are interpreted in this way by the anxious person . In this way, a great distrust of the couple and everything related to them ends up prevailing and they react disproportionately to countless behaviors that do not deserve it.

In these cases, the response of the couple is very important . Ideally, you should adopt an understanding attitude and understand that this anxiety stems from deep insecurities and, sometimes, unresolved trauma . A person with anxious attachment needs more warmth and security from her partner and if she learns to give her confidence, the anxiety will decrease.

The elusive couple

Someone with an anxious attachment does not need a person to take charge of their insecurity and fears, much less go well with someone who increases them. An avoidant partner does just that: increase anxiety and reinforce this harmful type of attachment . Many times he does this in barely even realization, but he can also turn this into a power mechanism .

An elusive partner is one who, in the face of conflict, flees or remains silent . Also those who seek to solve problems quickly and without delving into what is happening, or who intellectualize everything, preventing emotions from surfacing. Likewise, those who are irritated or uncomfortable at the crying of their partner or expressions of suffering.

Another characteristic of this type of person has to do with their emotional lack of availability . It is very harmful for an anxious person to have as a partner a person who resists naming the relationship or hates commitment, or who insists that they do not want "ties." Also those who ridicule or minimize emotions. This, yes or yes, increases insecurity in your partner.

Is it me or is it the other person?

Many times it is difficult to know if the couple is made up of someone who suffers from a chronic anxious attachment and another person who cannot overcome that inappropriate behavior; or if what there is is someone with a normal attachment who, however, becomes anxious because his partner says and does things that increase unresolved insecurities.

To answer this question as to whether it is anxiety attachment or avoidance behavior that predominates in a relationship in which there is discomfort, it is important to identify those fears that are completely valid:

  • Fear that the partner does not want a commitment .
  • Fear that a conflict may never be resolved in the background , because the other person refuses to face it.
  • Fear of not being heard or understood by the partner.
  • Fear of being vulnerable with the partner.

If any of these fears are present, an elusive partner is probably predominant . The other fears (especially when they are very intense), such as, for example, the fear of losing the other person, that they will fall in love with someone else, that they will stop loving us, etc., in general terms, speak of a predominance of anxious attachment in the relationship, rather than of an elusive partner.

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