7 Signs You Have A Fear of Intimacy video
Loving another without losing ourselves is the central dilemma of intimacy. Our ability to balance needs for connection and autonomy requires a lot of self-knowledge and a lot of practice. The difficulty in finding this balance is often due to a fear of intimacy. Not knowing how to play with these two needs without feeling that if we bet a lot on one of them, we lose the other.
The fear of intimacy depends; first, of oneself. Certain experiences and beliefs that we have lived that lead us to feel this fear (the relationship with our parents, the idea of loving at home, the messages about showing our vulnerability, etc). Second, the type of relationship and bond that we create with the couple (and exs). For example, if we feel this fear, WE ESCAPE and the couple tries to be very accommodating or controlling, leaving a certain part of their autonomy (friends, hobbies...) with the good intention of being responsible and taking care of the relationship. This "control" reaction further activates fear; with which the couple enters an avoidance-control loop.
What if we get carried away by this fear?
Control leads to uncontrol ...
Those who are afraid of intimacy try to flatten their anxiety through control. Control of the rhythm of the relationship, control of "not letting go," and so on. Maybe you like the relationship and the partner loves it, but at the same time it scares you a lot. These juggles that one does to avoid the feeling of fear only add more insecurity to the bond, and thus, more ambivalence and conflict: Being in a half relationship is complicated!
This fear can take hold of you and make you repeatedly fall into a loop of relationships that do not advance, that remain in conquest or courtship. The skills to conquer are highly trained, but the heart feels lonely.
The ambivalence between the fear of losing my freedom and at the same time the fear of losing my partner is another of the great uncertainties. If we allow ourselves to be carried away by controlling fear, we end up weakening the vitality of the relationship.
Remove the mask from the infatuated
We said that this fear is related to life experiences, related to our references (family) and our experiences with other couples. For example, I remember a woman who felt a longing for freedom and at the same time, very much wanted to have a relationship. There was no way to get it and he said he had bad luck with men.
We analyzed what was happening, how were his relationships and the partners he was looking for. The surprise was to find that her partners were people with a desire for freedom, which fascinated her, but at the same time they shared an insecure and independent bond that made them not want to commit or were always found between dilemmas and crisis (fear of commitment). I was getting hooked on them and idealizing what might end up happening; and what never happened... (nor would it happen). The question was: is looking for a person who doesn't want to commit your own way of protecting yourself and not getting into a relationship?
Observing their ties in the family. He discovered that the message he received was that loving someone meant sacrificing for the other (all for the other). He always saw how his mother's life tried to take care of and please everyone. With this panorama, who gets married ??? So we started work on redesigning these beliefs and the consequences that they bring to their giving and receiving.
This case is quite common, but I also often meet people who have felt in their family that showing feelings was a sign of weakness . Adding: if you show your feelings you can be hurt. Consequence: staying distant is protection and not bonding away from this fear of feeling vulnerable. But by cutting off the vulnerability of life one ends up alone and without love.
How to move forward in a relationship facing the fear of intimacy?
1. Do not act instantly when you are in a panic or end the relationship to get rid of your fear.
2. First discover the person, if you really like him and then take responsibility for this fear.
3. Don't idealize love. In the sense of thinking that love is crazy. It is not like that, you don't get lost in love if you keep taking care of your spaces and build pacts and comfortable rules for both of you.
4. Communicate how you feel to your partner. Better to communicate than to try to shape fear without communication.
5. Give yourself time and go slowly. Keep your individual spaces
6. Look for the beliefs and experiences that have brought you to this affective style.
7. Face this new relationship as an opportunity to overcome this fear.
8. Curiosity. Go forward with curiosity and respecting your needs. Writing and practicing mindfulness exercises can help you manage this fear.
9. Use fear as a resource and not as an obstacle that holds you back. Advance at your own pace and uncover this vulnerability little by little.
You have the resources to fix it.
I hope you find it useful.
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