Are there forbidden loves?

25.12.2020
Sometimes it happens: we fall in love with someone we shouldn't. For example, the partner of a friend or that person who we simply know will sooner or later hurt us. What should we do in these circumstances?

Are there forbidden loves? In reality, the term "forbidden" perhaps arouses more intrigue and desire than anything else in the relational realm. We could perhaps say that what does exist are not recommended loves. Because falling in love with someone that we shouldn't be is something that many of us have done at some point and in fact we know what the consequences are.

We could give a thousand examples of these situations. One of them is to put our eyes on the partner of our best friend . Also falling for the spouse of a brother or sister. As it can also be, begin to think excessively about that coworker, when we have been having a stable partner for years.

The human being falls in love frequently and this is not something that we can always control. It just happens. However, these crushes or these affections that arise in the day-to-day dealings, can sometimes bring us more suffering than happiness , more chaos than harmony. Because in fact, nothing is forbidden in love but there are lines that perhaps should not be crossed.

Falling in love with someone we shouldn't, why does it happen?

Love wants what it wants and the rest does not matter . This was written by Emily Dickinson in 1862, a great understanding without a doubt of what non-recommended or perhaps impossible loves were already in her time. Its definition could not be more accurate, because when we talk about falling in love, logic does not rule, nor meaning, nor culture . Send the affection and above all the emotion.

Falling in love with someone we shouldn't happen by the usual mechanism: neurochemistry. We know that in this chemical universe and orchestrated by multiple brain regions, there is little romantic and much irrational. However, this is how attraction , desire, obsession and the need for closeness are manifested . We are, after all, purely emotional creatures, and this is the mechanics that drive us.

Now, there is an interesting element in the field of these undesirable loves. Ruth Feldman is a professor of neuroscience at Yale University and one of the best experts in the relational and attachment field. In a study , he explained to us that in many cases , love is governed by dopamine and the reward system of the nucleus accumbens.

The dopamine causes sometimes the people "forbidden" or not recommended , we seem more attractive because there is a risk element, an element that generates greater sense of reward and emotional intensity. Everything is more complex, dangerous, but intense at the same time and these situations are more rewarding and even addictive for the brain.

¿ What should we do under these circumstances?

Look in perspective, go beyond attraction

Falling in love with someone we shouldn't usually have consequences. The loves that are not recommended are for some specific reason. Either because we look at people who can harm us or perhaps, because launching ourselves into that relationship can affect third parties.

In those circumstances, it pays to go a bit beyond what we feel to look into perspective:

  • How much can this relationship cost? Am I able to accept / handle the consequences?
  • For example, I may have a partner but nevertheless, I am falling in love with my boss at work. Is this a step that deserves to be taken?

All of these are aspects that must be considered objectively.

Is it love or is it desire?

Adrenaline , norepinephrine, dopamine ... Falling in love with someone we shouldn't usually bring with it this type of neurochemistry that basically orchestrates desire, attraction and even obsession. Because let's face it, there are situations that become almost addictive. The brain cannot stop thinking about that person because it establishes the same mechanism as in an addictive process.

Falling in love with someone we should not sooner or later bring more suffering than happiness. Therefore, we should assess whether what we feel is mere desire or if on the contrary that attraction is a real and authentic love . There will be cases in which it is worth taking the risk and facing everything that may come when deciding to move forward with that relationship. In other cases, a step back can allow us to leave whole.

Falling in love with someone we shouldn't: non-correspondence

Sometimes we love to the core, we fall in love in an irremediable and tragic way with someone who simply does not love us and will never love us. What to do in these situations?

In many of these cases we once again fall into those situations in which we drift through the neurochemical universe. The more inaccessible a person is, the more his value and our obsession increases.

We must process these experiences as states of anxiety that must be managed. Focusing our life on other interests, new goals and meeting people who bring us other perspectives and horizons is always positive.

What if the risk is worth it? From unconsciousness to conscious love

Falling in love with someone we shouldn't be is something that happens frequently. Now , there are situations in which the risk, the consequences and everything that may happen will be worth it. How do you know? In reality, there is no instruction manual that tells us when it is worth taking risks and when it is better to take a step back.

On average, we can see it in something that transcends our own feeling. We must attend to the commitment, the alliance, the harmony, the maturity, the trust between the two ... There are relationships that, although impossible at the beginning, end up being conscious loves that take the risk, avoid it and establish a happy and lasting bond.

Love is an adventure not without difficulties in which sometimes you fail and on certain occasions, you succeed. Let's take a good look at when it is worth avoiding the line of caution ...

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