Breakups can be traumatic
Two people who loved each other very much can go on to hate each other very deeply, highlighting each other's flaws and saying things they will regret.
Others, on the other hand, may be more peaceful, but even so the self-esteem of both lovers can be damaged. It is not easy to pretend to feel good after spending a lot of time with someone and now they are no longer by our side. We feel incomplete.
Next we will see how to improve self-esteem after a breakup , seeing some tips and strategies to follow to make sure that we do not sink emotionally or have a very bad vision of ourselves after a separation.
How to improve self-esteem after a break in the love environment?
Separating is a disruptive situation, one of the most stressful that can be experienced. When we break up, be it a courtship or a marriage, we enter a phase where we have to readjust , now without the company of a person we loved very much. In these situations, it usually happens that the breakup is not peaceful and that before it happened there were several discussions in which both lovers highlighted all the defects of the other, hurting him and making him feel bad. What can be said in these fights affects our self-esteem.
It may also happen that the breakup was more peaceful, in which both lovers have taken an adult and realistic position, considering that the breakup was inevitable and that it was better to do it in the most peaceful way possible. Both understood that each one should continue on their own path, without hurting each other and without burdening each other. Even so, seeing that person who has been part of our life for a long time leave does not feel good and awakens all kinds of unknowns, fears and fear of not being loved again.
In both types of breakups it is normal that during the first weeks we describe ourselves in a somewhat negative way , we compare ourselves with others to convince ourselves of how unhappy we are to be alone and we are overwhelmed by hopelessness. We become even more overwhelmed when we see that the life project that we had planned with that person is no longer going to be carried out, with which we lose a bit of the direction of our lives without knowing exactly what to do.
All these feelings indicate that our self-esteem is on the ground and that the fault of this is the breakup. Fortunately we can follow a few tips and strategies to recover from the separation, encourage ourselves and move on.
What to do to improve self-esteem
Next we will discover how to improve self-esteem after a breakup by following the following tips and strategies.
1. Stop defining yourself based on your ex
Not even the most independent people are free from defining themselves in terms of their partners. It is normal that during the time we were dating someone we defined ourselves as "boyfriend / girlfriend of ..." or "husband / wife of ...". We were people with a partner, people who represented 50% of a love binomial which influenced our way of acting, speaking, dressing and even thinking.
But now the situation has changed. That binomial is broken and the person with whom we defined ourselves is no longer, ceasing to be part of our lives and we ceasing to be part of theirs. That is why it is best to end any definition related to that person, that is, not to define ourselves as the ex of our former partner.
From now on we must only be ourselves, people who have their own qualities and a lifestyle of their own. Gone are the days when what we did and did not do was decided based on whether or not our partner liked it. Now we are free to plan our lives and we must concentrate on discovering what we like, making it a priority.
Thinking of ourselves will strengthen our self-esteem, especially as we get used to describing ourselves as independent people who live in the present and do not anchor to a past that, if at some point was happy, has already ended. It is sad to remember because we know that it is very difficult for that person to come back to our side, but we must rejoice because the future is not written, and now we can write it ourselves.
2. Avoid talking about the ex
There is a chapter in "Sex and the City" in which the main character Carrie Bradshaw is shown talking with her friends Charlotte, Samantha and Miranda in different scenes. In all of them he is talking about Mr. Big, his platonic love, with whom he has just broken up. She talks and talks about him, angry, a little sad and, also, thinking about how well she is doing to overcome him. Obviously, she has not overcome it and her friends, fed up, decide to give her a wake-up call.
This is an example of what not to do after breaking up. Talking about our ex, whether for better or for worse, involves remembering him and remembering the entire relationship, as well as the reasons that caused it to end. Due to this, it will be difficult for us to forget many of the defects that were said in the tense discussions , in addition to being very aware that we have just been left alone and that we do not like that. So what we do is lower our self-esteem and suffer even more.
So the best we can do is turn the page and stop talking about our ex. The ideal is to apply the zero contact strategy, eliminating their number, removing them from social networks and avoiding going through places where we know that it usually happens, thus avoiding a "casual" contact. However, the zero contact technique will not work very well if we keep talking about him or her, since it is like "resurrecting" the ghosts of a past relationship.
We must not fall into the error that by talking about it we will overcome the break more quickly . At the beginning we have our right and it can even help us vent, but repeating the same story over and over again, which is still our vision of the break, is not going to help us. Nor should we think that the more people we talk to about the problem, the more opinions and perspectives we will receive and, therefore, we will be able to have a more objective view of the situation. It is a breakup, it is not objective, it is a love relationship that has not worked. Please, do not turn in rounds.
3. Take care of health and appearance
Who has not seen the next scene in a movie or series? A man or a woman has just broken up. He is sad, in bed. If she is a woman, we usually see her in her pajamas, without makeup or with her eyeshadow running, disheveled, eating a tub of ice cream, chocolates and wine. In the case of men, it is not very different, only that he is unshaven, scruffy, with a leaky robe and prefers to binge on something salty, usually pizza, although the ice cream mixed with beer can also be there.
It's perfectly normal to feel and behave this way after a breakup. We can spend a few days isolating ourselves from the world, without taking care of ourselves and simply trying to cheer ourselves up by resting and eating. However, as the weeks go by, this "funny" and pathetic scene becomes a clear example of a depressed person , struggling to get out of the pothole and in need of help. For this reason, and by way of prevention, it is essential to take care of our physical and mental health.
Health and self-esteem are closely related. Lackiness of the body and soul makes us feel worse, that we cannot see ourselves in the mirror or want to relate to other people, something that is very problematic since the social sphere plays a very important role in our self-esteem, encouraging and valuing us positively. It is no secret that how others value us influences our personal satisfaction.
Since breakups are situations that can involve a lot of stress, it is more important than ever to take care of our mental health, especially by going to a psychologist . Also, if it happened that when we were breaking up with our partner we did not go to some appointments with our doctor, now is the best time to go.
We must exercise and monitor our eating habits, ensuring that we lead a healthy lifestyle. We are what we eat and, therefore, we should not eat unhealthy foods that will harm both our physical and psychological health. It is essential to exercise to protect ourselves from problems associated with a sedentary life, such as obesity and diabetes.
Physical activity will help us feel better about ourselves since, although physical exercise does not cure depression, it does act as a protective factor and gives us a feeling of well-being by releasing hormones such as serotonin, endorphins and dopamine that are like a neurochemical boost of happiness, pleasure and satisfaction. Sport will make us have a good physique and, although body image is not everything in this life, it certainly helps to have a very good self-esteem.
We must also take care of our appearance. Even if we are not going out, it is essential that we dedicate a few minutes a day to take care of our personal image. You have to shave, shower, put on makeup, comb your hair, put on creams and take care of the many ways that there are so that the image we see in the mirror pleases us and, consequently, our self-esteem is increased. Self-esteem depends on how others see us and also how we see ourselves and like ourselves.
4. Less virtual life and more real life
Social media is a double-edged sword . On the one hand they imply certain benefits, such as meeting new people, being in contact with our loved ones and friends and knowing what is happening in the world. On the other hand, they have the disadvantage that they are very addictive, making us waste a lot of time and, especially, run the risk of seeing the profile of our ex, remembering the time we were with him as well as imagining what we would be doing if we appeared in your last post.
The idea is not to completely renounce social networks but to restrict their use. The ideal is to stop using them for a while and using only instant messaging services or calling by phone to meet our friends, family and friends. This way we will avoid seeing the profile of our ex, comparing ourselves with his new partner in case he has one and reducing self-esteem because of it. It is also advisable to remove him from the friends list.
Our self-esteem will benefit if we have a less virtual life and a greater real life . Let's try to focus on new activities discovering what we think we might like and that we did not do when we were dating for fear that he would not like it or because we did not have time. The time has come to try a new sport, go for a walk, paint, read, meet friends ... There are endless possibilities and all of them can help us to expand our self-concept and improve our self-esteem.
5. Connect with ourselves
Now that we have broken up it is difficult to avoid seeing it as we have lost a part of our lives since, in reality, it is so. Someone with whom we surely planned to spend the rest of our lives has left our side. We can change the situation and see it as we have lifted a great weight from our shoulders and we can connect with ourselves : We pay attention to what we want, listen to our desires and attend to our personal needs.
Now is the time to start projects for people that we could not start because the "couple" project monopolized all our attention. We can take a notebook and write down goals that we have always wanted to complete, assess how likely it is to achieve them and encourage a friend or trusted person to help us achieve them. Whether it is writing a book, getting fit, learning a language or anything else, both the process and its acquisition will improve our self-esteem, making us see that we are people capable of many things.
Connecting with ourselves not only implies discovering what we want, but also knowing who we are. A very useful exercise at this point is to take a piece of paper and write down 5 positive and 5 negative characteristics of ourselves. The idea of this exercise is to improve our self-esteem by seeing how positive we have, but without denying that, like anyone else, we have negative points which we can work on to become better people.
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Dynamic Psychology is an approach oriented to the study of the forces that act in the individual , between the organization of the personality and the consequences of these.