Communicative Aggression

"You are useless." "What you have decided is nonsense." Communicative aggressiveness in couple relationships forms a type of violence that leaves a psychological mark. You need to identify it and react to it as soon as possible.

We could give multiple examples of aggressive communication in the couple . However, there is an obvious fact and that is that all typologies hurt, belittle, underestimate and destroy the psychological balance of one member of the relationship over the other. Thus, our studies, our age or previous experience do not matter: everyone, at some point, may be susceptible to these very harmful dynamics.

The existentialist psychologist and psychotherapist Rollo May said that communication should always guide us towards understanding, intimacy and the appreciation of the other . In fact, knowing how to communicate in a few areas and settings is as relevant as in an emotional bond. Well-being, happiness and the projection of the future between two people depends largely on this pillar.

Let's face it, not everyone is proficient in this field. Because knowing how to communicate does not only imply being effective when transmitting a message. Correct communication is one that knows how to control emotions and expresses itself assertively to obtain an end: to reach the other from respect.

What is aggressive communication like?

Aggressive communication basically consists of using an egocentric attitude that does not respect the thoughts, feelings and rights of the other person . We could describe it as that one-way interaction style in which only what one says, what one thinks matters. Thus, it is not difficult to deduce that behind this typology there is a violent personality.

These would be the basic characteristics of this profile:

  • They are people who only take into account their own needs.
  • Its objective is for the couple to assume and surrender to their desires , objectives and perspectives.
  • They are belligerent, they do not hesitate to humiliate and violate the rights of others.
  • It is also important to note that they are explosive and unpredictable personalities. You never know when they will erupt with an aggressive comment.
  • They belittle every other thought, decision, or comment.

On the other hand, we must emphasize that aggressive communication can be verbal and non-verbal . That is, in addition to the message or the words that address the couple, there is also the gesture, the finger that points and threatens, the closeness that invades personal space, etc.

Examples of aggressive communication in the couple

We pointed it out at the beginning: it is very easy to fall into an abusive relationship in which violent communication is a constant. This is explained above all by the defenselessness in which many of the victims derive. One of the features of this type of dynamics is that communicative aggressiveness is unpredictable. The couple is surprised, embarrassed, no one expects that attack of contempt, sarcasm or sudden insult .

Little by little, the victim ends up minimizing this type of communication, normalizing it because his self-esteem is low and because his identity is completely subordinated to the other. Let us know, therefore, a few examples of aggressive communication in the couple.

1. You are useless, I better do it

This phrase degrades the other . In this way, the aggressive person assumes power by despising the other. The most complex thing is that many times the "you are useless" is usually expressed through that affectionate tone and half jokingly that can seem innocuous.

Expressions like "Oh dear, I don't know what you would do without me" are harmful similes covered in false kindness.

2. You always, you never (...)

Speaking in absolute terms is a form of violent communication that we often overlook. It is important to keep it in mind.

Phrases like "you never do this or that, you are always like that or you are wrong, etc." it is an insidious way of doing harm. Daniel Goleman indicates to us in his book Emotional Intelligence the danger of making use of this resource. Taking the particular and transforming it into something general is an attack on the other person.

3. The blame for everything is yours

Among the examples of aggressive communication in the couple can not miss the projection of guilt . Leaving the weight of everything that happens, your own discomfort, your own frustrations and the most insignificant problems on others' shoulders is a clear form of violence.

4. You only talk nonsense

One of the objectives of every aggressive and manipulative person is to emotionally and psychologically annul the other. It is important to detect it, because that desire, to belittle to lower the self-esteem of others, can make use of multiple mechanisms, resources, expressions, phrases and sophisticated comments.

Also, it is important to highlight something. Studies such as the one carried out at Loyola University in Chicago indicate that aggressive communication and this form of contempt appears equally in both sexes.

5. You act like your mother, father, like my previous partner (comparison)

Comparison is another of the most classic examples of aggressive communication in the couple . However, these types of expressions and messages often pass the filter of normality. We hear them frequently and we don't always react.

Being told things like "you act like your mother, you are just as exaggerated" or "in the end you are all the same, you are just as carefree as my previous boyfriend" are comments that we do not always identify as aggressive communication.

6. You should make yourself see that, "you are not right in the head"

This comment is also a classic in the repertoire of violent and manipulative communication. We can define it by the term "making gas light" , that is, making the other believe that they have a mental problem, that their concerns are not normal, that everything is oversized, that they are losing control ...

This type of disqualification is a form of abuse and manipulation of the perception of the reality of the other.

7. Examples of aggressive communication in the couple: here you do what I say

"What you think doesn't matter, because in this house I'm in charge . " This is another of the most forceful and clearly violent examples of aggressive communication in the couple. The imposition of one's own point of view, the need to trample on the rights of the couple to make one's own clear is a form of absolute violation.

In conclusion, it should be noted that there are many more examples of violent communication. However, the most decisive of all this is to recognize them and react. Aggressive language damages, destroys, and distorts the true sense of affection in a relationship. Knowing how to love implies knowing how to make use of a more empathetic, respectful and constructive communication .

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