Many of us lie

09.11.2020

Few things hurt as much in a relationship as lying. It is an attack on trust, a deep wound to the complicity created between two. What should we do in these cases?

There is an undeniable fact and that is that most of us lie. We resort to deception in a trivial and innocent way, while others do it with a somewhat more malicious look. Now , suddenly discovering that my partner is lying to me and that their falsehoods are challenging the pillar of trust hurts and even paralyzes us. Because that's something no one is prepared for.

Nobody expects it. When we start an affective relationship, we tend to pour endless illusions, commitments and emotions into the other. We expect everything from the loved one and we rarely leave room for doubt, for the idea that, perhaps, that person is not what we expect. We convince ourselves that he is the love of our life and we walk on safe ground assuming that everything will be fine.

Until, on occasion, it happens. The first contradiction arises, the behavior out of place, the little lie that we discovered almost by chance and that perhaps we let go. We do not want to give it importance, but soon it happens again. It is then that we realize with pain and without anesthesia that we are living with a person who lies.

What can we do in these situations? Is that reason enough to instantly break that relationship? We analyze it.

My partner lies to me: causes and action strategies

DePaul University, in Chicago, United States, carried out an interesting investigation in 2001. In this work we are told that almost 92% of people have lied to their partner at some time. However, most of the time, lying acts as a protector of the relationship itself.

In other words, sometimes we end up omitting or misrepresenting some information to give the other greater security and commitment to the link. For example, we usually resort to white lies when we tell our partner that we have never loved anyone the same (despite the fact that in our memory, there is the memory of other past loves that are equally intense). These are comments that, far from attacking the couple's trust, seek to maintain and even reinforce it.

Now, on the other side there are undoubtedly the falsehoods that are hidden and that distort the very foundations of an affective bond. Thus, when my partner lies to me, the first thing we feel is a contradiction and a deep misunderstanding. How and why has it happened? What do I do now? Let's go deeper .

Reason and scope of the lie

What has led you to commit that lie? What is its scope? We know that not all lies are the same and that there are some whose impact can be devastating. The most damaging lie is clearly emotional betrayal. However, in other cases, deception can be used due to underlying problems that our partner has not wanted or does not dare to reveal to us.

Addictions, such as gambling problems or addiction to pornography, could be an example. Lying about financial debts or certain things in your family would be another case. In these circumstances, our first step is to assess why this lie has been resorted to and its scope. Then we must assess whether we can tolerate and handle that situation, if it deserves a chance.

Recurrence in deception, was it an isolated or continuous lie?

When my partner lies to me, we suddenly discover that there are barriers between us that we didn't know existed. Now, it may be the case that we forgive him, that we understand that behavior, and that we give him a second chance. However, it is quite possible in some cases to repeat not once but several times.

The pathological liars are abound and we can keep it on the other side of the pillow. You cannot have a healthy and happy relationship with someone who is dishonest, with someone who, far from respecting us, violates our trust over and over again.

You must know what type of person you are with and communication is key

Your partner has lied to you, it is evidence. It may be that this falsehood does not suppose an excessively serious fact, it may also that this fact is something isolated and that, for now, it has not been repeated. Now there is a fact that we must clarify.

  • What kind of person are we with? Does it fit our values? Is it someone we can trust?
  • Communication is not only decisive to solve problems, it is also that strategy to detect contradictions, to agree on common goals that must be met. If the other person ends up not committing and the small or big falsehoods reappear, we will make more drastic decisions.

My partner lies to me: self-esteem is your barometer

When my partner lies to me, I am forced to make a decision. Nobody wants a liar or a liar as a life partner, it is true. Thus, and in case that falsehood has not been something excessively harmful and they have asked us for forgiveness, we must consider one aspect.

Sometimes little lies can be as painful as a big falsehood. The fact that it feels like that is understandable and respectable.

After all, the barometer to make one decision or another must be our self-esteem. Does this dishonest behavior hurt and violate me, or can I handle it? That decision is personal. Because rebuilding the relationship and repairing trust requires great energy and emotional disposition.

If we are not prepared for it, if there are doubts, fears and uncertainties, it is better not to take that step. The person who resorts to lies does not understand the language of commitments, does not value the beauty of that trust built between two ... Let's keep it in mind, but let's not forget if we do it too ...

Psychotherapy is not simply about meeting with the psychologist and telling him out loud about the frustrations that we have been carrying over the last days or weeks; nor is it going to informative sessions in which as patients we internalize theoretical knowledge about what happens to us and we let go of false beliefs.

The concept of "addiction" usually goes hand in hand with that of "drug", but in practice, this is not the case. There are addictions in which the consumption of any addictive substance is not involved, and in fact, they are not statistically rare cases.

Dynamic Psychology is an approach oriented to the study of the forces that act in the individual , between the organization of the personality and the consequences of these.