Sigmund Freud: the worst enemy is oneself

18.11.2020

Sometimes the worst enemy in a relationship can be ourselves. The weight of the past, fears, jealousy or problems to use good emotional communication are always great spoilers.

Sigmund Freud used to say that in every affective bond there are three members: the couple themselves and a third presence called "fears". Thus, and as striking as it may seem, this last figure often has unusual power. Thus, if you want to know how to avoid sabotaging your relationship, it is essential that you learn to detect them, because the effects are usually immense.

We see it very often. Loving a lot is not always synonymous with loving well. There are those who do it desperately, to the point of pestering the other with the demon of jealousy, the shackles of the constant need for attachment and the trap of mistrust. Likewise, we all carry a past behind us, a backpack in which poorly resolved stories and those edges that we have not yet learned to file weigh excessively.

Much of the time it is not necessary for our partner to cheat on us for the relationship to break down. We can be ourselves who with our behavior, fears and lack of emotional resources end up destroying what would have been, a good love. We see it below.

How to avoid sabotaging your relationship: 7 strategies

Purdue University, in Indiana (United States), conducted an interesting investigation in early 2001. The purpose was to find out which components predicted commitment and success in an emotional relationship. It was discovered that the stability of a couple depends on three factors: the type of psychological attachment, the long-term orientation and the intention at the time of wanting to solve each problem, each difficulty.

It is true that these factors can be decisive. However, beyond the intentions are the personality of each one and, above all, those psychological areas capable of boycotting affection. We speak, for example, of fears, needs, defense mechanisms and sometimes even a lack of maturity in understanding what "being a couple" means. So let's discuss how to avoid savoring your relationship.

1. Beware of expecting "everything" from your partner

Sometimes, we want the other person to be that figure in charge of turning off all our fears. That man or that woman who rescues, heals, relieves and solves every problem and need. However, we must be clear about it, we cannot place tasks on the shoulders of others, which in many cases are ours.

Looking for someone to unload on him every emotional knot and unresolved past hurts is an excessive burden. We can expect from the other love, unconditional support and understanding, but not that they stand as the solution to every need.

2. Excessive attachment, suffocating love

To know how to avoid sabotaging your relationship, you must be aware of your attachment style. Sometimes, low self-esteem leads us to those codependent relationships in which we form a clearly dysfunctional bond. They are those situations in which we tell ourselves that our partner is everything, that without her we are nothing and that life only has meaning with that person.

Excessive attachment not only leads us to the pyre of excessive suffering, it also injects us with obsessive worries such as the fear of abandonment, betrayal, not being wanted, etc.

3. Learn to communicate: your partner is not a fortune teller

If something is bothering you, say so. If there is something that worries you, makes you angry or hurts you, do not wait for the other to guess it: learn to communicate assertively. This is certainly a very common pattern in our relationships. Often times, we expect the other person to pick up on certain things when it doesn't always have to be the case.

Learning to communicate safely and effectively harmonizes relationships, heals them and encourages them.

4. The blame for everything is not always the other person

"It's that he doesn't do it, he doesn't understand me, he doesn't react, he always waits for me to do it ...". If you want to know how to avoid boycotting your relationship, you must realize that sometimes, a problem is not just the responsibility of one person. In most cases, both parties are conditioning factors.

If you perceive, for example, that your relationship has fallen into a routine, the responsibility is not only of the other person. Reflect on all those aspects of which you too can be a participant without knowing it.

5. How to avoid sabotaging your relationship: work on your safety and self-esteem

There are two Trojan horses that destroy it when they appear in a relationship: insecurity and low self-esteem. When in the mind there are only fears and a negative image of us, we see threats in every place. We fear being betrayed, we are afraid of not being up to the task and we fear abandonment at any moment.

If you want to know how to avoid sabotaging your relationship, work on these psychological dimensions.

6. Focus more on the failures than on the virtues of the other

There is a filter that tarnishes and blurs the quality of an emotional relationship. It is that in which we focus only on what the couple does not have, what they do not do or what they do wrong ... When we look only at the prism of the faults, defects and weaknesses of the other, we completely distort the relationship and what is worse, we hurt him.

Being a couple implies appreciating the virtues but also accepting the defects. However, if we only see the latter and amplify them, we will be exclusively trapped by negative thoughts and discomfort.

7. When we take relationship for granted

How to avoid sabotaging your relationship? There is a golden rule that we must always keep in mind: do not take the love of your partner for granted. Do not assume that whatever you do that person will always be by your side. Do not take for granted the fact that it is no longer necessary to strive for anything because yours has no cracks.

The love that is not cared for, weakens. If we do not attend and nurture that relationship will slowly and quietly fade. Let's avoid sabotaging it by letting ourselves be carried away by carelessness and routine.

To conclude, it is true that there may be many dimensions that trick this affective bond. However, if we are able to serve each of these areas in an authentic and committed way, everything will advance in a more suitable and happy way.

Psychotherapy is not simply about meeting with the psychologist and telling him out loud about the frustrations that we have been carrying over the last days or weeks; nor is it going to informative sessions in which as patients we internalize theoretical knowledge about what happens to us and we let go of false beliefs.

The concept of "addiction" usually goes hand in hand with that of "drug", but in practice, this is not the case. There are addictions in which the consumption of any addictive substance is not involved, and in fact, they are not statistically rare cases.