The family is the most robust column in human relationships

14.07.2020

The family is the strongest pillar of human relationships. It is the first social contact we know and from which we begin to bond with others. But are all family relationships the same? How are our links with our main caregivers?

This is what I want us to talk about today. Why? Because depending on these, how we manage them and how we learn to relate, will influence how we grow, the adults we train and how we manage the adversities that may arise.

For this, I want us to answer several questions

What is attachment?

Attachment is the bond we create since we were born with our main caregivers and reference people .

However, attachment is not always expressed in the same way in family relationships. Let's see what forms it can take.

What types of attachment are there?

We find four types of attachment, which are the following.

1. Disorganized attachment

It is characteristic in families in which there has not been a good family structure , in which physical and psychological abuse was common, and with situations in which contempt or insults were something everyday.

2. Distant or avoidant attachment

It is common in people who feel that all their needs or care were covered, except emotionally, with negligence . In this case we find families in which there is some structure, but not in all areas, and above all there is neglect at the psychological level.

3. Concerned, anxious or ambivalent attachment

We meet families in which there is no intimacy . It is usual that in this type of families it is forbidden to close the door, or if we close it, at any time a person enters, to see if everything is fine and in order. Also, it is common to use emotional blackmail with phrases like "if you don't do what I ask you, you don't want me".

4. Secure attachment

In this type of family there is a good family structure, in which good attunement, care, coherence and autonomy are given in an appropriate way .

Possible patterns of behavior in the face of inappropriate attachment

The best type of attachment is secure attachment , due to the existence of a good balance in all areas. This can be worked on.

But what happens to us when we have another type of attachment? Or when we live situations in which we feel in danger or that we cannot?

Holding on to danger

This is something natural, it happens for example in animals like the remora fish, which stays attached to its predator in order to feel that it is safe. Sometimes the same happens to human beings, it is easier to stay next to something that we know is wrong for us than to try to find a change.

When in reality if we take the step of taking charge of our lives, everything improves. It is common that when we feel this way, we depend on others to be well, or we present a worried attachment to the people we love.

Build a protective wall

Taking an example, as in the previous case we have spores or turtles. They have a breastplate with which they protect themselves from the outside. These people are usually strong, they isolate themselves, so that no one can harm them. Many times caused by living in environments that have taught them that it is the only way to make things better.

Many times when we find ourselves like this, we are capable of not being aware of our surroundings, other times we react by "attacking" or "doing damage" to the people we love the most and we find it hard to talk about our emotions.

According to Harvard psychologist and author of The Sociopath Next Door , Martha Stout, one in 25 people is a sociopath . This can represent a real problem for today's society.