What Does It Mean to Be Asexual video


The asexuality is characterized because the person does not experience sexual attraction to other people, or just feel this sexual attraction to other people in very specific or very rarely and very timely manner in their life conditions.

It is, therefore, a sexual orientation (such as homosexuality, bisexuality or heterosexuality), and this is what most people from the asexual community claim.

The sexologists of Lasexologia.com attend more and more frequently questions and queries in relation to asexuality. For example, there are people who ask us what it is to be asexual and what it implies, and they are often interested in it because they are wondering if their own partner, or these same people who consult, could be considered asexual ("Am I asexual?", "Is my partner asexual?").

As we have commented above, it would be a sexual orientation towards nobody, since nobody attracts, people from the asexual spectrum do not experience feelings of physical and sexual attraction towards a specific person, they do not feel a desire to have sexual activity with someone specific for the attraction it might arouse.

People who are not asexual are called homosexuals, and they are people who do experience sexual attraction to others.

And, after this explanation, come the nuances and clarifications: like so many other issues related to human sexuality, there is also great diversity within asexual people (it couldn't be otherwise!).

Asexual people may or may not have sexual desire, sexual arousal, romantic or intellectual interest in other people, and sometimes they have a partner. It is common for them to experience less sexual desire or arousal in relation to homosexual people (that is, people who are not asexual). In general, they also tend to have less interest in having sexual contact with other people.

Asexual people probably experience, in general, less desire for sexual contact, and less sexual arousal, due in part to the fact that, for them, other people are not inducers of desire or arousal. That is to say, desire or excitement, in any case, will be awakened for other reasons (for example, pleasant caresses, a fantasy...) but not because of the attraction they feel for someone specific.

Some asexual people masturbate and some don't, some asexual people have erotic contacts and are sexually active and some don't, some have erotic fantasies and some don't, some have a partner and some don't, some have an interest in sexuality and some don't.

What they have in common is that absence of sexual attraction towards other people, regardless of their gender. But beyond that, the experiences, experiences and ways of life of this group are very varied.

Sometimes we speak of the asexual spectrum, which includes people who experience this absence of sexual attraction towards others in varying degrees or with their own peculiarities.

For example, it is common to speak of grisexuality (gray-asexuality), or grisexual people , in the case of those people who do occasionally feel sexual attraction to others, on a specific basis. That is, they feel that they are at some point on a continuum where asexuality would be one extreme and allosexuality another.

Demisexuality is also often spoken of to refer to the fact of feeling sexual attraction towards another person only when there is an important affective or emotional link with that specific person, so that in the absence of said link, one does not feel sexual attraction towards anyone.

Among the people who fall on the spectrum of asexuality, there are those who experience romantic or intellectual attraction towards other people (and those who do not), there are those who have a desire to have a partner, or an intimate and emotional connection with someone who is more than a friendship, and who does not have that desire. There are also those who want intimate or erotic contacts such as hugs, holding hands, or certain caresses, and those who do not want it.

Sometimes we speak of arromantic asexuals to refer to people who feel neither sexual nor romantic attraction for others, heteroromantic asexuals if they feel romantic (but not sexual) attraction to the opposite sex, and homoromantic when the romantic attraction is towards the same sex.

Some facts about asexuality:

People belonging to the asexual spectrum can be women, men and non-binary people. It should be noted that, in general, men mention feeling worse, due to expectations and social pressure about it.

There are studies that estimate that 1% of the population is considered asexual, for example, it is worth mentioning the article published on the matter by Anthony Bogaert, based on a survey carried out in the United Kingdom with more than 18,000 people (Boagert, 2004).

Various surveys also indicate a significant presence of the LGBTQ + community and non-binary people in the asexual community. For example, according to the data of a census developed by the Asexual Community of Spain (ACEs) in 2019 among its members, we find that 64.3% are women, 20.2% are men, and 15.5% are people. non-binary and others.

There also seems to be a percentage of the trans population in the asexual spectrum, to cite one fact, 2.87% of asexual people are trans people according to the results of AVENes surveys from 2011 to early 2015.

These are general data, but it is not possible to speak of "specific characteristics of the asexual person". There are many asexual people, all different, and each person, whether asexual or not, is peculiar, unique and unrepeatable.

Regarding the presence of different types or nuances in the asexual spectrum, it is worth mentioning, for example, the data from the AVENes survey of 2017, which found that, within the group, 50.3% identified as completely asexual, 21,9% considered themselves close to demisexuality, 24% gray-sex, and 3.8 were included in other categories within asexuality.

Asexuality is not ...

It should be noted that asexuality is not a choice or an option. It is something that has to do with an experience of the person, in this case, the lack of sexual attraction towards other people. That is why today there is talk of a sexual orientation.

Asexual people are not "antisexual" (it is not that they are against sexual relations or they find different expressions of sexuality wrong). Asexuality is often associated with celibacy, or sexual abstinence, however, both celibacy and abstinence respond to decisions made in the erotic life and have more to do with "what is done" than with what it feels. A celibate person may feel sexual attraction, for example, but decide not to have erotic relationships for whatever reason.

An asexual person does not feel that erotic attraction for others, whether or not they have sexual relations.

Is asexuality a sexual problem?

As a sexologist, I think that asexuality is one more example of the enormous diversity and richness that human sexuality presents. There are people who experience sexual attraction to many others, with great frequency and intensity. Therefore, why should there not also be people who have little or no sexual attraction to others?

In the past, asexual people have been pathologized quite frequently, in many cases they were attributed some sexual dysfunction, such as hypoactive sexual desire (or low sexual desire), or aversion to sex. It was based on the basis that their condition was not normal , and traumas, psychological, sexological or physical problems (hormonal, for example) were sought to justify their null or scarce sexual attraction to others.

Due in large part to the activism and visibility of many asexual people, the way in which the issue is approached today is changing, also by professionals and professionals, including sexologists and sexologists. Interesting debates and reflections are being initiated in this regard, in activist forums but also in professional and sexological forums, something necessary in order to offer the best sexological care to these people, and in order to also improve our understanding of human sexuality in their set.

Many people claim that they do not suffer from being asexual. That they have always felt this way, that they do not feel that they "lack anything", and that what causes them discomfort is social pressure or, where appropriate, difficulties in managing their asexual condition as a couple. Many of these people comment that they enjoy many pleasures in their life, erotic enjoyment or sexual pleasure being something that they do not give too much importance to in many cases.

It should be noted that we live in a society that pressures us to live our sexuality in a certain way: in the context of a couple, who must be heterosexual (and, if possible, with bodies that follow normative beauty standards, and without functional diversity or disability). Said couple must have frequent coital relations (or, at least, genitalia) (the rest of erotic practices being considered "second-rate", worthless, or taboo). In this model, people are also expected to have a frequent desire to engage in intercourse, and to become easily aroused and orgasmic by such practices.

We know that not everyone fits into this way of living sexuality.

It might be asked, then, if the possible difficulties of these people with sexuality have to do with a true internal discomfort, or with the pressures to adapt to a normative and rigid, standardized and immutable type of sexuality to which everyone must adjust for same.

Does this mean that anyone with a low erotic desire, which causes dissatisfaction, should assume it without further ado? No, to begin with, low erotic desire is not the same as little or no sexual attraction to others. They are different questions and do not always correlate.

Remember: what characterizes asexuality is low or no sexual attraction to other people. Therefore, asexuality is not in itself a problem of sexual desire (although this lack of attraction, as we have mentioned, can sometimes influence sexual desire).

Asexuality is not a sexual arousal problem either, asexual people can become aroused, have orgasms, or ejaculate, and their genitals can become erect or lubricate.

If there is sexual desire, in the case of asexual people, it is not directed towards someone specific. And if there is arousal, it is a physiological response to sexual stimuli, not a product of attraction to someone.

In the sexology consultation, each case can be carefully analyzed, assessing and taking into account also the experiences of the person, their history with sexuality, their feelings about it, their affective circumstances, the possible factors that may influence desire ( or excitement), and their possible life plans, among other issues, in order to guide each person in the best possible way.

The sexual and affective life of asexual people.

It may seem contradictory to talk about the sexual life of asexual people. But, as we have already clarified, the experiences and situations in this group are enormously diverse.

Some examples: there are times when an asexual person decides to have erotic contacts to please his partner, or because he is satisfied to see the pleasure of the other party. It may also be that he initiates contacts without desire and, after some caresses or practices, he becomes excited and enjoys the meeting. You may also initiate some sexual contacts out of desire after you have fantasized. Or you can engage in certain masturbation behaviors alone at certain times. Even in the case of couples made up of a woman and a man, the asexual person may decide to have intercourse in search of pregnancy. There are also some asexual people who enjoy the non-genital part of encounters, kisses, hugs, caresses, touching... in short, a great variety of situations.

Sincere and assertive communication in the couple is usually essential , talking confidently about preferences and tastes, negotiating and agreeing on certain parts of the erotic life being aware of the peculiarities of each member of the couple, being respectful of one's own limits and that of the other person.

And when it comes to life as a couple, there are people on the spectrum of asexuality who are interested in having a partner and others who are not, something that, by the way, can flow and change throughout the life cycle, just like what happens with gay people.

Asexual people sometimes have partners who are also asexual, and sometimes they have partners who are homosexual (that is, people who are not asexual). They can also maintain polyamorous relationships, open relationships, or any other relational formula. And of course, they can choose not to have any kind of partner at all.

Why do asexual people go to the sexology consultation?

There are several reasons why a person of the asexual spectrum can attend the consultation sexologist or sex therapist. Here are a few:

  • In the case of people with a partner: asexual people and their partners often come for difficulties in sexual relations, fearing the breakup or trying to avoid certain disagreements. One of the people who make up the couple can feel sexual attraction and not feel reciprocated in this regard. In some cases it is confused with the lack of desire (we have already commented above that it is not the same, although, depending on how it is managed, it may be related).

  • The above is also applicable to people who maintain some other type of relationship (such as polyamorous relationships), in these cases they are usually consulted to obtain guidance in relation to the management of sexuality with other people.

  • In the case of people who do not have a partner or other type of relationship, there are times when they come for consultation because, to a certain extent, they identify as asexual, and they want to learn to know and manage themselves, since they notice that it does not attract them nobody and they feel different from the rest. Sometimes they also want to find a partner and consider how to deal with it with the partner, or wonder if it would be appropriate to "come out of the closet".

  • "Is my partner asexual?" Special mention should be made of the consultations that sexologists sometimes receive from people who classify their partner as "asexual", when in reality what happens is that the couple shows a low erotic desire, sometimes due to problems in the relationship, or that their sexual relationships are not satisfactory, for example.

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